last week, cooling my jets

Last week was one of the shittier weeks I've had this year. In spite of the insomnia, I had one of the most productive weeks I've ever had at work. Additionally, I might be approaching a peak in physical condition I haven't seen since college sports. But, it was hard to enjoy these things when I could barely keep my head up, and when my exhaustion gave me this filmy pessimism that encroached on everything.

Then I had these three dates. For two of them, I felt tentative and lukewarm about even showing up. One was a girl I dated for a short time, and the other was a labmate from my undergraduate days who had just moved into town. For both, the conversation was fun, there was a lot of laughter, a little touching, the intimation that more time together would be welcome.

I left feeling lukewarm and tentative about ever showing up again.

The third date, with Wendy, was an unmitigated disaster. Of the the three, this was the only one where I thought it could turn into something, maybe. Wendy did not like me, to the point where, after I spent a few minutes with her, I was surprised she had even agreed to come out. Every conversational attempt I made was met with a passivity bordering on hostility. Eventually, I said "fuck it, not worth it" to myself and went home. These things happen. There are whole songs about this cliche, where no one I like is into me, and vice versa.

But, I was left doubting my ability to read people. How could I have possibly thought this woman was interested in me? What makes me think I'm into these people who I don't connect with? Could I think about any specific trait Wendy had that I was particularly drawn to? Then I remembered the infrequency with which I meet people I feel really attracted (beyond physically) too, and the number of times I've gotten myself into trouble from trying to force the issue. So, I figured I'd quit the dating, or at least cool it, for a while. I don't need to be throwing myself at people who aren't worth the time. I've got better things to do, like trying to get seven hours of sleep in a night.

today's the day

Once every few weeks or so, I decide that “today’s the day” I will begin to live my life assiduously and fully. The assumption is that every day after that will follow, like that first day just provides the catalyst for some perpetual chemical reaction. My “today’s the day” decision involves several criteria, including improving my exercise regimen and diet, working harder, watching less television, and basically not doing any of the things I regularly do that make me feel guilty, such as going to 7-Eleven for taquitos at two in the morning, watching television until even later, masturbating to the kind of pornography that makes me feel dirty afterward, and being shy in social situations. Once in a while, after I’ve made this promise to myself, I last a day or two before slipping back into my typical behavior. While I always fail eventually, the hours in which I judge myself as virtuous make me feel like I have the great power that the I Ching told me I could have.
So, today’s the day, and this time I’m going to make it last. I’m going to bend like a reed in the wind, but never break, I’m going to be superhuman, superego, Superman, leaping buildings and working like a titan and at least, when I make the inevitable mistake, I will leave a me-shaped hole in the wall. I will go down swinging. I may fall to the ground, but I will get up off the mat. I am out of clichés.
Anyway, after visiting 7-Eleven twice yesterday, finishing my taquitos and cheetos before I had completed the one block walk to my bicycle, after I stayed up late watching Battlestar Galactica, a show I have no interest in, and after masturbating twice to the dirtiest kind of smut, the kind that makes me shake with guilt and pray that god isn’t watching when I’m through, after all of this, and after I woke up late and watched more Battlestar Galactica, I decided that today would be the day. I woke up, masturbated without pornography, exercised, and went to work. So, eight hours in, today is the day. Let’s hope this sticks.